When was the last time you were slapped across the face? Not just a little hit, but a full force slap in the face? For me is was today. The past few weeks have been incredibly hard for our family. Z has taken out his rage on us and it seems like it's getting worse each day. I don't know when it's coming and it seems like I'm walking on egg shells all day long. Just when I think we are going to have a good day/hour..he has an episode. Sometime we know what will set him off, but usually it just happens.
I'm just going to list some of the things that he has been doing lately to get it all out. Sometimes I just need to vent. I know that my friends are sick of hearing about it and I would be too. It's been 3 years. I don't want to be the friend that constantly talks about her child or the problems she is facing. It's just how it is right now. I hope I can be that friend for someone in the future.
In the past few weeks...
-Spitting on us.
-Calling us every "bad" name he can think of...stupid, butt, butt head, fart, shut up, knock it off and has started telling us he hates us.
-Biting me
-Pulling my hair
-Pushing me
-Punching me
-Slapping me across the face
-Tear apart O's special items
-Destroyed his room
-Thrown things so hard he has made numerous holes in the wall
-Thrown everything he can in our house.
-Screamed, yelled, ran around the house
-Took apart car seats/pads/tried to throw them while in the car
-Tried to get out of the car when moving
-Run away from us
-Wipe spit all over us
-Broken his special toys
-Broken his favorite train set/big train table when in an episode
-Broken his new box spring
And the list goes on and on. He gets manic. He runs around, throwing things, hitting things/people with such a dark look in his eyes.
Yesterday, he slapped O so hard and she started crying. This sweet little girl puts up with so much. She shouldn't have to experience the stuff that she does. I tell her that I will always protect her and usually I can. I send her to her room and she locks her door. I can't do that in the car. I was able to go sit in between the 2 kids after he slapped her. He was slapping me and punching me, but at least she knew I was protecting her. I can deal with a lot of this. But when he starts taking it out on Olivia I lose my cool. She doesn't deserve this.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Shocked
For the past 3 years I have hurt, I have struggled, I have felt ashamed, and I have felt guilty because our life is not what I thought it would be. When we started our adoption we read all about RAD and other disorders that could come with adopting. Just like many others, I thought that wouldn't happen to us. We would just love our little guy like crazy and he would fit right in to our family. Obviously, I knew life wouldn't be perfect from the moment we met him. I knew we would have hiccups along the way, but I thought it would be okay. I thought that we knew what we were getting ourselves into.
Fast forward to present day and I realize that we were not prepared for this journey. Honestly, no one can prepare you for dealing with a child who has RAD.
When we first brought hime home, people would say things like "Oh..he's just a boy. You have a little girl and he's a normal boy. You'll just have to get used to the craziness of raising a boy." Inside I knew something wasn't "normal", but second guessed my parenting time and time again because I had never raised a boy. Within the first months of Z being home, we all knew that what we were seeing wasn't "normal." I couldn't explain it to people. When Z was around people he was Mr. Personality and showed off for everyone with his adorable dimple. One example is that when we went to Disney we decided to wait for a bit to watch one of the parades. People were waiting behind the ropes and Z escaped past the rope. He ran up and down the rows of people giving high fives and fist bumps. Everyone exclaimed how adorable he was and how they couldn't get enough of him. What they didn't see was the episode that followed the parade that afternoon. I call it an episode because it's not a normal temper tantrum. It's extreme. It's full of rage.
The month before we went to Disney I was at the local library and Z started one of his rage episodes. I decided to get out of the library so I took both kiddos, the books, and all of our stuff outside. It started raining and I placed both kiddos on the sidewalk by our car. Before this, Z was scratching me, pulling my hair, biting me, and screaming at the top of his lungs. I calmly unlocked the car door and went back to pick him up. I told O to stay on the sidewalk so she wouldn't get hurt. As I picked Zeri up, he started his rage behavior. I placed him in his car seat and he refused to stay in it. I tried holding him so that I could get him buckled in and then one of the worst moments began. A lady came up to my car and said, "You need to stop abusing that child. You need to stop or I'm going to call the cops on you." She had her cell phone out and she was very close to me. I politely told her that he was my son and he was going to hurt himself or me, so I was helping him safely into his seat. She told me I was abusing him. I lost it. I started hysterically sobbing. I would never ever hurt my child. At this time I had put up with more hurt from him in his few months with us, then I had dealt with from anyone my entire life. But..I would never hurt him. I asked the lady if she had children and she said yes. Then I told her that her children must have been perfect because most children throw tantrums. I told her that I was in no way harming my child. I was actually helping him stay safe. She just kept saying she was going to call the police. Then, I hear my O saying, "Mommy..why is that lady saying you are not a good Mommy? Why is she saying that you are hurting Z?" I really lost it. I couldn't hold it together. I calmly placed both kids into my car and called Jeremiah shaking. During this time, the lady got in her car and started talking to someone on the phone. I had only been Z's mom for a few months and I didn't know how to handle this situation. I have since gained more confidence in my parenting abilities to Z and would have stood up for myself or actually told her to call the police! My goodness! I couldn't believe that happened. I am pretty strong. I can take it when people say things about me. However, when you start messing with my parenting abilities..that's where I draw the line. That woman will never know the heart ache she caused me that day. The way she made me second guess every decision I made with Z. The way I started becoming depressed and not wanting to leave my house because I was worried other people would think that I was hurting Z when he was having an episode. Believe me..his screams are louder than anything I've ever heard. I get why that lady thought something odd was going on. However, I wasn't touching him, cussing him out, or beating him. Anyone who actually tried to see what was going on could see that all I was doing was simply putting my boy in his seat.
This has taught me to think about others in situations and that they may not always appear as they seem. It has made me have a softer heart for a mom in Target with a screaming child. Now, I try to help her or give her a sweet look. Parenting is hard. We have to be in this together. We must encourage one another. We must build one another up, not tear them down.
Fast forward to present day and I realize that we were not prepared for this journey. Honestly, no one can prepare you for dealing with a child who has RAD.
When we first brought hime home, people would say things like "Oh..he's just a boy. You have a little girl and he's a normal boy. You'll just have to get used to the craziness of raising a boy." Inside I knew something wasn't "normal", but second guessed my parenting time and time again because I had never raised a boy. Within the first months of Z being home, we all knew that what we were seeing wasn't "normal." I couldn't explain it to people. When Z was around people he was Mr. Personality and showed off for everyone with his adorable dimple. One example is that when we went to Disney we decided to wait for a bit to watch one of the parades. People were waiting behind the ropes and Z escaped past the rope. He ran up and down the rows of people giving high fives and fist bumps. Everyone exclaimed how adorable he was and how they couldn't get enough of him. What they didn't see was the episode that followed the parade that afternoon. I call it an episode because it's not a normal temper tantrum. It's extreme. It's full of rage.
The month before we went to Disney I was at the local library and Z started one of his rage episodes. I decided to get out of the library so I took both kiddos, the books, and all of our stuff outside. It started raining and I placed both kiddos on the sidewalk by our car. Before this, Z was scratching me, pulling my hair, biting me, and screaming at the top of his lungs. I calmly unlocked the car door and went back to pick him up. I told O to stay on the sidewalk so she wouldn't get hurt. As I picked Zeri up, he started his rage behavior. I placed him in his car seat and he refused to stay in it. I tried holding him so that I could get him buckled in and then one of the worst moments began. A lady came up to my car and said, "You need to stop abusing that child. You need to stop or I'm going to call the cops on you." She had her cell phone out and she was very close to me. I politely told her that he was my son and he was going to hurt himself or me, so I was helping him safely into his seat. She told me I was abusing him. I lost it. I started hysterically sobbing. I would never ever hurt my child. At this time I had put up with more hurt from him in his few months with us, then I had dealt with from anyone my entire life. But..I would never hurt him. I asked the lady if she had children and she said yes. Then I told her that her children must have been perfect because most children throw tantrums. I told her that I was in no way harming my child. I was actually helping him stay safe. She just kept saying she was going to call the police. Then, I hear my O saying, "Mommy..why is that lady saying you are not a good Mommy? Why is she saying that you are hurting Z?" I really lost it. I couldn't hold it together. I calmly placed both kids into my car and called Jeremiah shaking. During this time, the lady got in her car and started talking to someone on the phone. I had only been Z's mom for a few months and I didn't know how to handle this situation. I have since gained more confidence in my parenting abilities to Z and would have stood up for myself or actually told her to call the police! My goodness! I couldn't believe that happened. I am pretty strong. I can take it when people say things about me. However, when you start messing with my parenting abilities..that's where I draw the line. That woman will never know the heart ache she caused me that day. The way she made me second guess every decision I made with Z. The way I started becoming depressed and not wanting to leave my house because I was worried other people would think that I was hurting Z when he was having an episode. Believe me..his screams are louder than anything I've ever heard. I get why that lady thought something odd was going on. However, I wasn't touching him, cussing him out, or beating him. Anyone who actually tried to see what was going on could see that all I was doing was simply putting my boy in his seat.
This has taught me to think about others in situations and that they may not always appear as they seem. It has made me have a softer heart for a mom in Target with a screaming child. Now, I try to help her or give her a sweet look. Parenting is hard. We have to be in this together. We must encourage one another. We must build one another up, not tear them down.
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